My State of the Union Rules

I've stated before that I am not a fan of the standing ovation, so it's no surprise that the State of the Union is almost unbearable for me. I know as a good citizen, I should care what the President has to say. However, the droll and inane practice of interupting applause is more than I can handle.

I certainly can't control the content of the President's speech, but here are some suggestions for the presentation:

1. Lay it out.

I'd like the President to take the podium and simply state, Some of you don't like me, and I don't like a few of you. Therefore, let's quit the mendacity and just get on with this.

2. Bubble gum.

Both the Vice President and Speaker of the House should be forced to chew bubble gum during the President's speech. During most of the speech, I couldn't tell is Dick Chaney was still alive, and poor Nancy Pelosi looked like she was trying to suck some lettuce out of her teeth. I'd rather see her blow a bubble and pop it than make a quasi disapproval face.

3. Supreme Court function.

They just sit there during the speech, unable to express any partisan agenda. Therefore, we should get them involved in the process. The Supreme Court should police the evening to make sure the following rule is kept...

4. 3 second rule

If you do not begin to clap within 3 seconds of an ovation, you cannot begin to applaud. If you want to stand for an ovation, you must do so within the first 4 seconds of the applause. If you violate this standard twice in one speech, you are escorted out of the room.

5. Inappropriate Applause.

For those awkward few who clap at the wrong time, they should be required to clap for at least 3 seconds, so that TV cameras can find them and point them out.

6. Amen and Boo

It just seems more efficient to have the audience acknowledge the President's words with either an "amen" or a "boo."

7. The Penalty Box

If you have filed for or are investigating your Presidential campaign possibilities in the next election, you should not be allowed in the room. You should be isolated from others and watch the speech via satelite. However, you should be visible to the American people via picture windows in the television set. Therefore, with every comment the President makes, the American people can see your response without you having the privilege to gauge the room and sway with the crowd. If you are running for President, you need to operate on conviction and principles, rather than the mob mentality of a room.

[As a side note, if you are going to refer to Dikembe Mutombo in your speech, it should be required that you allow him to have the mic for a second. Hearing a man who talks like cookie monster would do great things for the nation's morale.]