Welcome to Carnivorous Caribou

Sunday, February 18, 2007

My 40 Day Experiment

On January 3rd, I decided to attemp my own experiment:



It's origin
Perhaps this kind of thing already exists, but I decided to use some modern American church practices for my inspiration...
    Sketchy translations
By using the Commonly Mispelled Translations Bible (hereafter referred to as the CMTB), I was able to see my need. In the CMTB, it states
Yet those who weight for the Lord will gain new strength.--Isaiah 40:31
Clearly, God was promising victory and strength to me if I would just commit this diet to Him. But I needed one more method to complete the genesis of this nosh.
    Quasi-gnostic knowledge
If I could just access some "truth" that was difficult for others to validate (or more importantly, refute) then I may be able to make a deeper claim to my method. Then I stumbled upon this:
and if the scale has not spread and no yellowish hair has grown in it, and the appearance of the scale is no deeper than the skin, then he shall shave himself, but he shall not shave the scale.--Leviticus 13:32-33
What may appear as an obscure passage, can really bring a world of light to the situation. My cousin Mark's pet dog's manicurist's boyfriend's neighbor actually knows this guy who once met a man whose family lineage included a Jewish rabbi. This man explained to this neighbor that the "yellow hair" of the scale is actually the needle pointing to your weight. Therefore, if you stand on the scale and do not break it (has not spread) yet due to your excessive weight, the needle is not visible (no yellowish hair has grown), then you are to lose some weight (shave yourself) but not assume the scale is broken and replace it (shave the scale). This neighbor explained this was the typical reading of peasant illiterate yak farmers in the south west region of Lachish during the closing of the first temple period. Naturally then, we should assume this to be the reasonable reading.

Test and see

So with what appeared to be all the Biblical support I needed, I then proceded to the real test...pragmatism. If the pounds came off, then certainly this must be of God. The results came in:

Initial weigh-in: 231.5 pounds
40-day weigh-in: 203 pounds
Total lbs loss: 28.5 pounds
lbs loss/day: .7125 pounds

I'm quite pleased with the results (though not finished) so it seems ready to test according to the greatest current standard...

The real test

Can this baby sell? I've considered offering up that for $40 I will tell you all I know about his diet. Think about it, according to this plan, you could go from 535 pounds to 88 pounds in just 1 year, 8 months, 19 days and 8 hours. Astonishing!!! Who wouldn't get on board with these kinds of claims. Not only that, but I could write other manuals: "40 Day of Weightloss for the Warrior Man", "40 Days of Weightloss for Singles," "40 Days of Weightloss for Children." It could even spark an entire pet line: "40 Days of Weightloss for your Dog/Cat/Goldfish." Certainly, this diet system must be Biblical wisdom for it can be formed and refashioned in countless ways to produce a continual cash harvest for me!

Don't Miss Out

You'll feel so lame if you jump on the bandwagon too late. Be one of the first to join in. Send your $40 now and I'll make you a charter partner...allowing you teach and lead seminars as well.

[Of course, you could save yourself some time and money simply by: cutting out pop, eating smaller portions, cutting out snacking (especially nothing after 7pm), and simply exercising...but what would be the fun in that?]

5 Comments:

  • At 9:39 AM, Blogger ~d said…

    hilarious, danny! sometimes i wish i could climb inside your head and see how that brain of yours works.

    but if you really want to sell your diet plan, don't forget to mention the other physical benefits to weight loss such as looking younger, having more energy, wife can't take her eyes off of you....well, that's what i noticed sunday morning :)

     
  • At 10:49 AM, Blogger danny2 said…

    if you liked this post, you'll love this one!

     
  • At 3:13 PM, Blogger David said…

    Bravo, Danny, bravo. I stamp my "scathing sarcasm" seal of approval squarely onto your post.

     
  • At 9:18 PM, Blogger BReformed said…

    Sign me up. I would like to start "this Wednesday".

     
  • At 12:01 PM, Blogger zachfisher said…

    wow, so are you going to be able to keep this up?

     

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